Hello again, pull up a bar stool, open a cold one. I have some more thoughts, such as they are. I like to observe people. Not in the hide in the bushes wearing a trench coat creepy way, but in every day settings. One of the best places is in mass transit venues. Places like airports, train stations, even bus stations, if you are the type who uses those. Personally I'd rather go by donkey cart, but hey, to each their own. These places are endlessly fascinating to me. Used to be so much more amazing when you could walk up to the gate in the airport and wait for your people to get off the plane. If you are old enough you remember this. My people always got off last. That seemed to be some kind of universal law. Something like the right to self defense, the right to freedom of speech, and then the right for my people to get off the plane last, or near enough to last as made no difference. But I digress. Back to the interesting part. These places are chock full of the many multiple walks of life. There may not be a place on earth where so many different types of people congregate, and become forced to interact so closely with others, as in airports, train stations etc. Most of them would not associate with the others they find in these places at all, except that they are forced to by virtue of their travels. And so it is a great place to observe, to see all kinds of people subjected to the same environment. Hilarity, and annoyance, typically ensues.
For example. I once saw, the spring after 9/11, a young college kid taken down by one of the many airline cougars that work for Delta. You know, the ladies behind the counter. Big hair, lots of makeup, bad attitude. Anyway, this kid is leaving Panama City, Florida and is clearly still drunk. He was being loud and stupid, but I gave him a pass as it was spring break and he had obviously made the most of his time up to the second he got to the airport. Unfortunately, he decided it would be funny to say something about a bomb while talking loudly, and drunkenly. The queen of the cougars behind the counter was willing to give him a pass as well, up until the bomb mentioning bit. It was at that point he was hauled off, his luggage, full of god knows what might go home from Panama City Beach after spring break, was dumped and searched. That incident still makes me laugh.
Here's another one, and really this is the tie to my title today. Let me se this up for you. You are waiting for a train. Standing on the platform, you note that your fellow travelers are starting to congregate as the train is due soon. As more people come to the platform, the herd begins to mill a bit. Some of them move forward to where they think the doors will be. Then you see the train, and those who hang back initially are now energized by the sight of the train and need to get on it. So the herd surges forward, nearly pushing a few off into the oncoming train. As the train stops, the herd is now crowding where the various doors are soon to open. Each intrepid traveler wanting to the be the first to get on the conveyance. Each person has somewhere to go, some trip to start or end. Some person or persons to see. And by golly, they will get on that train and get a good seat! Now, I usually hang back, because I always like to watch this phenomenon. It just makes me laugh every time. Because you see, there is a an alternate, and mirror universe inside the train. Inside the train there are other travelers. People with places to go, and people to see. And they too want to transition, but for them it is to get OFF the train. I think you are seeing where this is going. Every time I see this (and it happens at elevators and many other places) I just love it. I usually say something pithy like "It's physics Einstein" as the immovable force meets the immovable object. There is, invariably, a remedial physics lesson when the doors open. People on the platform bumping into people in the train, both trying to occupy the limited space provided by the door opening. Why? Why do those who want to get on the train attempt to shove past those trying to get off? It is plainly obvious to me that you have to let the volume inside the train escape the container before you shove more volume in. Additionally, even if there is unused volume inside the train, there is a certain limited capability of the door space to process outgoing and incoming. Let's say you have two full glasses of water, and you want the water from one to go into the other. One option is surely to just dump one glass into the other. The net effect is you are going to have a spill, and while it can be argued that some of the water from the poured glass will get it, and some of the water in the receiver will spill out, it is hardly the most efficient way to get it done. So, people just pour themselves into the door, shoving past each other, both sides somehow secure in the idea that they are right. It's physics Einstein, let the people on the train get off first. And by the way, you have to step back from the damn door.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Flaming Meteorites of Annoyance
You're back? Wonders never cease. As long as you are here pull up a chair, or more appropriately a bar stool. I have a topic of serious import. For my second blog post I decided to dive right in and address a situation so serious, so momentous, so critical to humanity's survival that to ignore it could cause such widespread destruction and mayhem as a hundred mile wide asteroid striking earth. You know, the kind of cataclysmic event that killed off the elves and dwarves and goblins and such like. Wait, no, let's be realistic I meant the dinosaurs, and the dragons of course. I am certain you have ascertained from the title of today's blog what I am talking about, a sobering thought to say the least.
Just kidding, I'm actually just going to talk about a pet peeve of mine. But it is something I cannot figure out. So maybe you, gentle reader, can help me. Let me start by saying I really don't care if people smoke. I enjoy the occasional cigar, typically much to the dismay of those near me. I have even had a cigarette or two. There is a theory that Bar Napkin wisdom is enhanced by smoking a cigarette (Just leave it at cigarettes my friends, I know what you people are thinking, at least some of you anyway). This being said, there is a phenomenon associated with regular cigarette smokers that I cannot figure out. A person who is otherwise considerate and socially attuned, and smokes, often does this thing without apparent thought. So I am wondering if it is some kind of smokers code. Perhaps an unspoken perk, or right, which only smokers are aware of. The rest of us are left to wonder why it seems. Let me set it up for you.
So you're cruising down the road, windows open, maybe in your convertible (you sally) enjoying the nice weather. Perhaps it is dusk, the failing light of lovely day giving way to a clear cool night. Of course your Elton John CD is blaring, something like "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting" is playing. You know, the perfect moment of life. Yeah, you're right, that might not be the name of the song, but it is the chorus, stay with me. Ahead of you is a beat up 1985 Chevy pickup, which you have not paid particularly close attention to. Something which will soon change, and all too soon at that. It all happens in a flash. Something fires out the window of the pick up. Your attention is drawn because it is afire. Blazing even, in the gathering dusk it is the brightest thing in the sky. Millennium of human ancestral memory draws your eyes directly to the fiery object hurtling out of the window of the preceding vehicle. It is FIRE! Were you captain James T. Kirk, you might react with something like "Mr. Sulu! Evasive action Alpha!" But of course you are nowhere near as cool and calm as William Shatner, who is really, so you just brace for impact (Interestingly this is invariably what one of Kirk's crew members always said when evasive action Alpha failed. Food for thought). So here it comes, directly at your starship, I mean convertible. Small bits of fiery tobacco falling away as the slipstream captures the mini Meteorite and redirects its lateral motion into a collision course with your vehicle. Unable to avoid impact you watch in horror as the Flaming Meteorite of Annoyance bounces off your car. It's bloody annoying isn't it? Plus, there is spittle on the damn thing. It just came from that jokers mouth. It's like he just hurled his chewed up wad of Beef Jerky at you. Not cool, no not at all.
I mean, seriously. What is the deal, as old Seinfeld would say, with people lobbing Flaming Meteorites of Annoyance out of their windows? I suppose it's not like the thing will slam into your grill, penetrate your engine block and blow off you leg at the knee or anything. As cool as that might be it's unlikely to do more than bounce off your windshield. As a side note, if that happens, make sure Spock gives you an estimate on what percentage your windshield is at, and a guess from Scotty on when full power can be re-established. I'm just saying. All that aside. I really want to know why smokers feel free to throw their butts on the ground, out the window, into planters, etc, etc. Are these things eco-friendly? I know that Smoky the Bear hates them. How many trees have been doomed by Flaming Meteorites of Annoyance? Lots I'd guess.
So I am left to wonder why smokers drop their butts wherever and whenever they want. Perfectly socialized and nice people simply drop them all over the bloody place. Clearly it is not all of them, but there are enough that I have noticed. And ask my wife, if I notice something it's fairly obvious. So if you know why this phenomenon occurs, let me know. Otherwise it's yellow alert when in close proximity to a vehicle with smokers. And for gods sake try evasive action Bravo, or Charlie, because Alpha is clearly rubbish.
Just kidding, I'm actually just going to talk about a pet peeve of mine. But it is something I cannot figure out. So maybe you, gentle reader, can help me. Let me start by saying I really don't care if people smoke. I enjoy the occasional cigar, typically much to the dismay of those near me. I have even had a cigarette or two. There is a theory that Bar Napkin wisdom is enhanced by smoking a cigarette (Just leave it at cigarettes my friends, I know what you people are thinking, at least some of you anyway). This being said, there is a phenomenon associated with regular cigarette smokers that I cannot figure out. A person who is otherwise considerate and socially attuned, and smokes, often does this thing without apparent thought. So I am wondering if it is some kind of smokers code. Perhaps an unspoken perk, or right, which only smokers are aware of. The rest of us are left to wonder why it seems. Let me set it up for you.
So you're cruising down the road, windows open, maybe in your convertible (you sally) enjoying the nice weather. Perhaps it is dusk, the failing light of lovely day giving way to a clear cool night. Of course your Elton John CD is blaring, something like "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting" is playing. You know, the perfect moment of life. Yeah, you're right, that might not be the name of the song, but it is the chorus, stay with me. Ahead of you is a beat up 1985 Chevy pickup, which you have not paid particularly close attention to. Something which will soon change, and all too soon at that. It all happens in a flash. Something fires out the window of the pick up. Your attention is drawn because it is afire. Blazing even, in the gathering dusk it is the brightest thing in the sky. Millennium of human ancestral memory draws your eyes directly to the fiery object hurtling out of the window of the preceding vehicle. It is FIRE! Were you captain James T. Kirk, you might react with something like "Mr. Sulu! Evasive action Alpha!" But of course you are nowhere near as cool and calm as William Shatner, who is really, so you just brace for impact (Interestingly this is invariably what one of Kirk's crew members always said when evasive action Alpha failed. Food for thought). So here it comes, directly at your starship, I mean convertible. Small bits of fiery tobacco falling away as the slipstream captures the mini Meteorite and redirects its lateral motion into a collision course with your vehicle. Unable to avoid impact you watch in horror as the Flaming Meteorite of Annoyance bounces off your car. It's bloody annoying isn't it? Plus, there is spittle on the damn thing. It just came from that jokers mouth. It's like he just hurled his chewed up wad of Beef Jerky at you. Not cool, no not at all.
I mean, seriously. What is the deal, as old Seinfeld would say, with people lobbing Flaming Meteorites of Annoyance out of their windows? I suppose it's not like the thing will slam into your grill, penetrate your engine block and blow off you leg at the knee or anything. As cool as that might be it's unlikely to do more than bounce off your windshield. As a side note, if that happens, make sure Spock gives you an estimate on what percentage your windshield is at, and a guess from Scotty on when full power can be re-established. I'm just saying. All that aside. I really want to know why smokers feel free to throw their butts on the ground, out the window, into planters, etc, etc. Are these things eco-friendly? I know that Smoky the Bear hates them. How many trees have been doomed by Flaming Meteorites of Annoyance? Lots I'd guess.
So I am left to wonder why smokers drop their butts wherever and whenever they want. Perfectly socialized and nice people simply drop them all over the bloody place. Clearly it is not all of them, but there are enough that I have noticed. And ask my wife, if I notice something it's fairly obvious. So if you know why this phenomenon occurs, let me know. Otherwise it's yellow alert when in close proximity to a vehicle with smokers. And for gods sake try evasive action Bravo, or Charlie, because Alpha is clearly rubbish.
In the Beginning...
Congratulations. If you are the one person in the world who is reading this you have witnessed the creation of the Brazillionenth blog on the web. Well played my friend. The blame however goes directly to my friend Slick who inspired me to do this. In fact, when I become rich and famous from this I expect you will all be entertained by a legal tussle between the two of us as the title was his idea to begin with. Perhaps I will share my wealth, perhaps not. In any event you should be entertained.
"Are you not entertained"! That was my best "Gladiator" voice by the way. Get used to the movie quotes, happens a lot. Back to the reason for the blog. My buddy Slick mentioned I should write some of the various things I say and think down. That is of questionable merit at best, a complete disaster at worst. But being just narcissistic enough, and having many many opinions, some of them vaguely interesting and some with no particular value, I decided to go ahead and do it. I've read that the average life span of a Blog is not long. So if you are reading this in the year 2050, you are now getting a glimpse of life in 2010 and the mind of JS. Well, maybe a few weeks of it anyway if I can muster that kind of commitment.
Now, about the title. Ever been in a bar, or social gathering where a few drinks may have lubricated the personal interactions and various topics are earnestly discussed, often with much vigor and passion? Invariably, at the time anyway, significant portions of the worlds problems are fixed. Yet, when cruel morning light is shone on the proceedings, those epiphany's are lost. Perhaps it is the newest brain cells that die in the hangover, perhaps the solutions arrived at were garbage. Unfortunately we will never know, because they are forgotten. One is left with the vague feeling that if only he had written down the solutions last night, the world would benefit in new and wondrous ways. I hope you can see where this is going. My friend Slick thinks if we had only written this stuff down on a Bar Napkin, all would solved, fixed and corrected. I think he's off his rocker. Of course, I can't prove it at all because neither of us remembers. Kind of like the seconds before the gunslingers draw their pistols. Two squinty eyed cowboys wondering who is going to be right when the lead flys. Ok, maybe not that dramatic but you get the point.
So I named this likely train wreck, "Notes From a Bar Napkin". I'll just fire off whatever comes to mind and see where it leads. Stay Tuned, or not...
"Are you not entertained"! That was my best "Gladiator" voice by the way. Get used to the movie quotes, happens a lot. Back to the reason for the blog. My buddy Slick mentioned I should write some of the various things I say and think down. That is of questionable merit at best, a complete disaster at worst. But being just narcissistic enough, and having many many opinions, some of them vaguely interesting and some with no particular value, I decided to go ahead and do it. I've read that the average life span of a Blog is not long. So if you are reading this in the year 2050, you are now getting a glimpse of life in 2010 and the mind of JS. Well, maybe a few weeks of it anyway if I can muster that kind of commitment.
Now, about the title. Ever been in a bar, or social gathering where a few drinks may have lubricated the personal interactions and various topics are earnestly discussed, often with much vigor and passion? Invariably, at the time anyway, significant portions of the worlds problems are fixed. Yet, when cruel morning light is shone on the proceedings, those epiphany's are lost. Perhaps it is the newest brain cells that die in the hangover, perhaps the solutions arrived at were garbage. Unfortunately we will never know, because they are forgotten. One is left with the vague feeling that if only he had written down the solutions last night, the world would benefit in new and wondrous ways. I hope you can see where this is going. My friend Slick thinks if we had only written this stuff down on a Bar Napkin, all would solved, fixed and corrected. I think he's off his rocker. Of course, I can't prove it at all because neither of us remembers. Kind of like the seconds before the gunslingers draw their pistols. Two squinty eyed cowboys wondering who is going to be right when the lead flys. Ok, maybe not that dramatic but you get the point.
So I named this likely train wreck, "Notes From a Bar Napkin". I'll just fire off whatever comes to mind and see where it leads. Stay Tuned, or not...
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